Friday, September 08, 2006

A lot of self- loathing in a little space: An excercise in contradiction of my previous post.

Sometimes I hate myself. Today was a perfect example. A good friend of mine was pouring her heart out to me about her relationship problems, and I did about as much to console her as your average piece of furniture. Actually, less probably;At least furniture would give her somewhere to rest her crying head. I just sat there, looking blankly at her, totally unable to empathize; ocassionally I would mumble something cliche and detatched. Why can't I feel for other people in that way you ask? Why am I such a he- man when it comes to emotional disturbances? Because I'm jealous. Disgustingly, morbidly, jealous of almost everyone. This poor girl I really do care about was crying in front of me and all I could think was 'why don't I have a relationship worthy of crying over?' What kind of person thinks like that? I don't deserve one anyway.

Earlier in class I felt like I hated everyone. So maybe it is better that it came back around to myself. Hating yourself is a little more sophisticated than hating everyone else, wouldn't you say? That class was really annoying though. I kind of don't blame myself for hating everyone at that moment. Although, I probably should've just "checked out" so to speak. I feel like I just made a sucky moment even suckier by analyzing it so much. So, here's what it was. We were doing oral presentations and I guess what bothered me was that everyone clapped for everyone else. No matter how horrible the presentation was, everyone would clap just the same. That would be fine, if they were doing it to be nice, but I don't think they were. Everyone just seemed to be clapping so everyone else would clap for them. Like it was some unwritten contract. It made me physically ill. It really did! I started thinking like that's all life is: endless hand clapping and ass kissing. I thought I might actually regurgitate. Then I thought that maybe I'm just looking at this innocent gesture in the grimmest light possible, and I started feeling really guilty.

At that moment I realized that my hatred of mankind is really just a reflection of my own self- loathing. Hence my last entry.. the one bashing everyone who writes as a cathartic excericize.. I don't even care that I just did it. Because I'm not very different than everyone I hate I guess. It's time to accept it, take a glorious swim in mankind's sespool of reaking vomit, and learn to love it like the worthless pig I know I truly am. Oink oink oink. That's it. (I ended it this way on purpose because that's how I ended my oral presentation and I lost five points for it. Everybody clapped anyway. Long and loud.)

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